Depression

For some reason, I just feel sad...depressed. I feel as if I have no control over what happens to me and the more I try to steer things in one direction, the more things go off course. It's frustrating and ridiculous. I know I'll get better somehow...I'll figure out that I can't control everything, that life never goes as planned and that sometimes we should just let go. I've gone through this many times, and that's why I know I'll get out of this rutt. But, it just seems like these bouts of deprression are occuring more often than they used to before. I wonder if I really need to see a shrink or something...maybe I'm just being paranoid; or maybe even acting like a drama queen. I really don't know...I just know that I don't feel happy, and that really sucks.

CryBaby

I'm a cryer (is that even correct?). It's amazing how much I can cry. Sometimes I cry because someone's hurt me, sometimes it's just a release mechanism...when the world seems like an incredibly unfair place and I'm immensely depressed that the only thing that will help is to cry all my depression away.

But, I wonder if maybe my crying is too much. This morning I woke up to see my eyes swollen despite having at least 7 hours of sleep. I wonder if people can actually tell if you've been crying a lot? I wonder if crying that much actually makes any difference at all to the situation that made you cry in the first place.

One thing I do know...there are some situations when crying doesn't always make you feel better. Sometimes crying just keeps you in this very sad, sad place. Somehow in your mind, the world is not a happy place and even consuming insane amounts of chocolate doesn't make things any better.

Right now, I'm in that place and I'm not a very nice person to be with. But I want to snap out of it...I just can't figure out how. I can't cry anymore coz it's too damn tiring. And eating all the chocolate that's in my fridge is just ridiculous coz I don't want to be a fat, sad and depressing thing.

I need to snap out of this sorry state...someone, help me!

I miss you...

10 days seemed like a really short time…especially when we’ve been apart for longer. But somehow, it didn’t matter. Just knowing you’d be so far away made me sad. I almost cried when you left…thinking about how we wouldn’t have our long talks for 10 days made me want to cry. It hurt…so much.

Although we’ve kept in touch, through messages and short calls, it still seems lacking. Nothing can replace having you by my side, knowing that at the end of the day you are there for me, to make me feel better no matter how bad things were. I miss you so much.

But you’re coming back soon and I’m counting down every hour. I’m thinking of how I’m going to be when I see you, when I finally get to hold you again. Just the thought of it makes me smile…

Never thought I’d miss anyone this much. Never thought I’d let anyone into my heart the way I have with you. Never dreamt I’d be so much in love with you. But I’m so glad, so happy and so overwhelmed. I just want you back…because with you around, everything just seems better.

Less than a day to go…I can’t wait.

I need to start editing my thoughts.

Sometimes I feel I should really knock myself on the head for the silly things I say. Just a few days ago, I was complaining about how life seemed to be so boring. Both my work life and my personal life seemed to have hit a wall of some sort and it was just annoying. I felt a little stuck…like things were not going anywhere and I had just lost my motivation.

But as always, just when I think things start to look bleak, something (or somethings) happen and make me regret even saying I was bored. Right now, I have 2 trips to Phuket, 3 training days and a huge product registration thingy I have to deal with. Mind you, all of this is work related and has to be dealt with within the span of a month!

It may sound really ridiculous, but I actually have plans for all my weekends from now until the end of the year…actually, make that until the middle of January 2009. How does that even happen? There used to be a time when I wouldn’t have any plans for the weekend at all. It used to be filled with the usual clubbing, sleeping, lazing about and shopping routine. There never was anything else to do. Now, I have to allocate time for friends and even boyfriend…heck, it seems like I’m even going to have to allocate time for myself just to recover from all the activity.

Don’t get me wrong though…I’m no social butterfly, nor am I a socialite of sorts (if only I were…Imagine all the wonderful parties I’d get to go to and all the lovely bags and shoes I’d have…sigh) But somehow by just being a normal person who wants to juggle work, play, family and friends, I seem to have ended up having 2 months of plans without even breaking a sweat.

Then again, it could just be ‘that time of the year’. When bosses get bored coz there isn’t much to do with sales as all accounts are being closed. Or when Christmas is around the corner and suddenly everyone dear to you seems to be of top priority (not that I’m Christian, but I just LOVE Xmas). Or maybe it’s just my luck for speaking too soon about how bored I feel with life. Hmm…I should really edit my thoughts more next time (as if...LOL).

Hmm...

One of my ex's has got a new gf...who happens to be a friend of mine back when I was a tween. I never kept in touch with my ex and truth is I don't feel anything about this whole new gf business. But, I somehow feel a little envious of her...See, he was incredibly romantic and from the looks of things, he still is. He read classics, wrote me poems and gave me roses for no reason at all. And being the total romantic I am, I was a sucker for all those things. I thought I found the perfect guy...

That is until all the other things about him started to get to me...his football obsession, his annoying sarcasm and his "my way is the right way" attitude. Behind the beautiful exterior of a prince, hid a very typical MCP. I broke up with him and I've never regreted it.

So, why is it that I feel so envious of my friend? I think my inner romantic side just wants some attention. Is it normal to feel like this? Is it bad to feel like this?...especially when I have a really nice bf who puts up with me (trust me I can be a right bitch at times). I really don't know. Maybe I should watch Ever After and just realize that there are no such things as fairy tales and prince charming really doesn't exist. Sigh...

The honeymoon is over...

It sucks when reality hits you like a tonne of bricks.
It sucks when you're not treated the way you want to be.
It sucks when you feel that the other may not care as much.
It sucks to be the one that will be all alone...

I always thought that i would be the one who was taken care of....but the reality is far from it. I feel like I have to bow down to some selfish needs and let my own wants be trampled upon. Then I wonder if maybe my wants are too much. But then again, maybe I'm being way too nice by letting things slide and not standing up for myself. Why should one benefit over the other? Isn't it supposed to be mutual? Isn't that what compromise is about?

Sometimes I wonder whether it's really worth it...whether I should be investing so much into something that doesn't fulfill me completely. Maybe I'm just being to extreme with my emotions...maybe it's just the hormones...

Whatever it is, I hope it passes quickly so I can move on. So I can be happy again...

Room makeover and new phone

So, it's been awhile since I've gotten down to blog about stuff. Truth is, I've been incredibly busy...with work, holiday in Singapore and more recently, making over my room. Now, before I go on about what I did to it, here are a couple of pictures before i got to doing anything.

My work on the room started last weekend at Ikea. For 3 years I've been dreaming of getting the Meldal daybed and I thought it was high time I finally just get it. So after figuring out where all the furniture would go in the room, I made the purchase and happily went over to the delivery counter to organize the delivery of my lovely, new daybed. Sigh...I could hardly wait until Tuesday :)

On Monday, I got home after work as quickly as I could to begin work on painting my room walls. When we first started renting the apartment, our lanlady had painted the walls a beautiful, clean white colour. Unfortunately, the paint had started to yellow and didn't look too attractive anymore. Hence I decided that it'd be good to repaint the walls. For some reason, I'm totally in love with purple right now...so, I painted the walls a shade of Lilac. The colour seemed lighter on the colour chart at Ace Hardware but, after the paiting was done I must say I'm kinda happy that it's darker coz it gives the room more colour.

Anyways, it took me about 4 hours to do it but I managed to finish painting my room before getting to bed that night. The next day, my furniture and more importantly, MY BED, arrived. After the Ikea guys set up the bed and chest of drawers, I got to arranging the rest of the furniture. And after days of organizing and a final clean up today, my room is finally ready. Take a look...

Ah, my lovely Meldal daybed...sigh :)

My mirror that has yet to be put up and the corner storage area with odds and ends

Pink table and the purple carpet bring a little more colour into the room

Laundry basket, Closet and Chest of drawers...

I just love this little corner with the mirror

My earring display...i really have too many

On another note, I finally got a new phone. For those who don't know, I had my D500 for 3 years and recently it's been showing some signs of aging. The keypad was a bit annoying and the exterior looked terrible. Plus, the battery was dying. So, after talking with Tracy about it, I decided to just get a new phone. I got the Samsung U600, part of their Ultra Edition 2. I'm still fiddling around with it so once I get more stuff to say about it, I'll blog again ;)

The RM54,000 proposal

Right now at my office, the hottest gossip (or news, I should say) is about the RM54,000 proposal that an exec did for his gf here on VDay. If you do not already know about it, you can read all the juicy details here. It happened about a week ago and I did read about it in the newspaper but physically, I had not seen the billboard in question even though it's soooooooo close to where i work. What can I say, I wasn't really compelled to see a billboard of a guy proposing when the guy ain't that hot, the ring isn't really that visible and I'm not the person the ad was for in the first place.

Anyways, yesterday when me and some of my workmates went out to lunch, the topic came up. And since most of us had not seen it yet, we decided we'd make a small diversion to check out the now infamous billboard. Okay, I really don't know what we were expecting to see coz the billboard looked exactly like it did in the news article (like DUH! as if it would change just coz we were seeing it in person). But, upon seeing the ad, we all started discussing about the proposal.

Here's the deal...if your bf spent RM40,000 on a billboard just to pop the question, what would you do? Personally, I'd smack him in the head for being such a fool. I really don't care how filthy rich a guy is...spending RM40,000 on something that is of no value is just ridiculous. Imagine how many people could be fed with that money, how many clothes could be bought...you could even get a car for that kind of money. Why, oh why, waste it on a billboard??? I wasn't the only one who thought so...a couple of my married colleageus felt the same too, that it was a waste of good money.

One of my colleagues though was quick to point out that maybe we'd feel differently if we were on the receiving side of the proposal. I wonder though...I think the initial shock of getting the proposal may restrict all logic thinking for a bit. But chances are, as soon as all normal brain function returns, I'm probably gonna smack him. I think the guy just did it for publicity...he just wanted to show off to everyone that he has pockets deep enough to fund this silly display of love (somebody, gag me please...).

Now, you'll notice that I'm not saying anything about the whopping RM14,000 that he spent on the ring. Truth is, diamonds truly are a girls best friend. And more often than not, the more or the bigger, the better. At least the diamond can be worn by the girl forever, but what in the world can she do with that billboard that's gonna sit on the side of the LDP for the rest of the month? Probably burn it into memory and look back on the day when her bf spent sooooooooooooooooooooooo much cash on her. Yikes!!! What happens if the marriage doesn't work out? Damn...that would be so sad. Should've just given her the cash. At least she could get herself stuff or maybe even use it for the wedding!

Okay, so maybe I'm being overly critical and too practical. Maybe things are going to be just chirpy for them and they'll live happily ever after. Maybe OTT displays of love like this should be acceptable and should not get the scrutiny it's getting from me. I don't know...Truth is, I always imagined proposals to be quiet and very private events. But then again, maybe that's just me.

New Years Resolutions

A new year has begun and as usual, it's that time of year to begin listing all the things that you want to achieve in life. Yes, yes...it's time to make resolutions again. I know, I know...you're probably thinking "What's the point in making resolutions when most of the time (that means about 99.9% of the time), we just never stick to them". Well i believe just making resoulutions and not keeping to them is still at least a step up form not bothering to make any resolutions at all. You see to me resolutions are promises...promises that you make to yourself year in and year out.

Problem is we just never think of ourselves as important enough and so just don't even care to take a little bit of an effort to try and live up to the promises we have given to ourselves. Personally, I'm just sick of my behaviour and I think I need some resolutions because 2008 is the year that I finally start putting myself first. Just recently, my young but very wise Padawan pointed out to me that I always seem to be so obligated to do things. Rather than do something just for the pure fun of satisfying myself, I seem to focus more on getting the approval from people around me; be it family, friends or even workmates. This got me thinking...

So, after some soul searching (which was basically just me surfing the net aimlessly) I came to the conclusion that I need some resolutions to ground me and steer my life in the right track; beginning with me putting myself and my needs first. So, here goes :-

1) I will find a new hobby and spend at least 2 hours a week dedicated to it.

The keyword is NEW. I have hobbies...but most are the usual ones that everyone seems to enjoy i.e. reading, shopping, watching movies. Hence the emphasis on NEW. My Padawan says that I should find one because then it'll be something that I do purely for myself, with no obligations to anyone else. Now, I just need to start my search...any suggestions?

2) I shall work on my confidence issues.

Yes, yes...I have confidence issues. To all you people who thought that I was just a snobbish, pretentious bit*h...well, now you know. I have issues...my friends think I should get over those issues and do something about it and you know what? They are right! It's high time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for my inadequecies. I should work to improve myself instead. It's not going to be easy, what with the bruised confidence and all...So people, I need your help! The next time I act like a pathetic git, please knock some sence into me. Thanking you all in advance.

3) I need to control my drinking and bring it back down to a more suitable level.

It seems that in the past year, I've gone a little crazy with the booze binge and for seemingly no aparent reason. Considering the number of times I got drunk last year, plus the crazy antics on new years day this year...I think it's time for me to slow down. No doubt it was fun. But seriously, by this age I should have got all of those things out of my system, instead of upping the level. And all that drinking will definately affect this whole self improvement drive I've set for myself. So, the next time I look like I'm sliding down the "I wanna get drunk" slide, please pull me back and ground me. I know it's going to be hard for you considering how entertaining I get and all, but please...help me out k?


Okay, i guess that's all. I think it's reasonable to have 3 resolutions for 2008. It's not too many but they are going to be a handful as it is. So, I'll stick to just 3. If I actually manage to keep to them, 2008 may actually turn out to be a really great year...that's what I'm telling myself anyways, positive thinking and all. I guess, I'll just have to wait and see.